Things to remember!

When you're a parent, it's important to remember that you're the one in charge. Your child is a person deserving of respect, but you are the teacher and leader in the family. Children often know what they think they want, but not what they really want. More about that later, but if you notice yourself saying "he won't let me do that" or "he makes me do this", it's time to think about whether you are being the leader and teacher or whether you are being bossed around by your child.

Single Issue Parenting

If there's a behavior issue at your house, I can't recommend highly enough devoting time specifically to solving it. I call it single issue parenting, but you're not really excluding everything else, you're just taking some extra time to focus on a specific behavior.

The most common complaint among parents are about sleep issues. This is the perfect area to use single issue parenting. You know that to work on helping a child to sleep through the night, you're going to be tired. You're probably tired already! It's hard to be consistent and be up every 10 minutes or 1/2 hour. And if you're not consistent, nothing will work. But if you plan to work on it for a week, and really prepare yourself, by the end of the week, your problem can be solved.

We just worked on hitting. My son was hitting us every time we said something he didn't like. It seemed like nothing was working, because I kept having to come up with consequences in the moment, and we didn't have a plan. So, my husband and I created our plan -- he lost one toy for every hitting when we were at home, and when we were out, if he hit us we had to sit down and hold hands. We tried to notice every time he was angry and didn't hit, and gave him hugs and verbal praise. We planned our outings around whether or not we'd be able to enforce the consequences, and made sure that every time he hit us there was a consequence, so there was a clear, firm boundary. We let some other things slide -- we made sure we planned foods he liked, made extra time at bedtime for stories, and generally tried to make the only major uncomfortable thing in his life were the consequences for hitting.

After 3 days, we were able to relax (he was hitting less often), and after 6 days, we could see him think about hitting us, and then put his hand down. It's been about 3 weeks, and he's still not hitting. He'll leave, or say (and this is so cute) "That made me very angry, Mama"

Now we're back to normal bedtimes, normal outings, normal dinner, normal life -- but without the hitting.

Going Places, Doing Things

There is often nothing harder than leaving the house and doing things when your kids have to come along. But that doesn't mean that you should never do it, only that you should be thoughtful about it first.

For example: A mom with a toddler wants to meet a friend for coffee and a chat. What often happens is that the child feels left out, since there's nothing for him to do, and misbehaves horribly, making it impossible to talk and have a good time. This situation often happens when a child is brought along an an adult-level activity. So, what's to be done?

Remember, your child is a person too! How would you feel if you went out with a couple of people, who spent the time talking about stuff you weren't interested in in a language you didn't understand well? And when you tried to get them to pay attention to you, they got cross with you? Not great, I bet. Probably pretty left out, lonely, and angry.

As a caregiver, you can avoid this situation if you make a few preparations beforehand. Make sure you bring a few activities your child enjoys -- a couple of books, and a nice toy. Be sure your child has a healthy snack, and something to drink. Choose a location where there is room for your child to play. You can have them stay at the table with you, or make sure that there is a safe area nearby for them to be.

While you're talking with your friend, check in every few minutes with your child. If they are old enough to talk, spend some time during the outing talking to them about things that they are interested in, so they feel included. If they're too young for talking, check in with them and focus your attention on them and playing with them regularly. Try to make sure you shift your attention to your child while they are behaving well; if you only pay attention to them when they're shouting or bothering others, chances are, they will do it more the next time!

If your child is in the habit of acting out when adults are doing adult things (like when you're talking on the phone, or going out for coffee or have some sort of meeting to go to), you will have to be persistent. At first, make sure you go out with very understanding friends, since you will be spending a lot of time focused on your child. And go out to very understanding places (like maybe a friend's house), since you may have to wait out some bad behavior in order to catch them at a good moment to start talking with them. And start with short outings and work up to longer ones. Soon, you'll be able to go to the local cafe, have a talk with your girlfriend, and a nice time with your child all at the same time.

Pretty cool.

Blankies!

Most kids have some kind of comfort object that they become attached to -- a blanket, a pacifier, a stuffed animal.

Comfort objects are really great for learning to deal with stress, learning to sleep on one's own and deal with new situations. But I cannot recommend highly enough having at least two of whatever it is, in case it's lost. Our object is a blankie, and I sent it with our son on a sleepover with his grandparents, and it got left at a hotel. But luckily, we've been switching it out when we wash it, so we have a backup blankie, so I was able to "find" it. The same goes for the special toy as well.

I cannot tell you the number of stories I've heard about sleepless nights and frantic phone calls looking for a pacifier, toy, or whatever. It's an immense help to have a backup!

Now, kids can get overly attached to an object and feel like they can't face life without it -- so it's important to have boundaries for the object (blankie stays in bed or car, no stuffed toy goes to school, etc...) and make sure your kids have other ways to deal with stress (cuddling is great)

The Upside Down Show

I'm having a love-hate relationship with this show. It's a great show; it's funny, energetic, imaginative, and educational. But...my son loves it a little too much... You know how there are characters on TV that you enjoy, but you wouldn't want to be around? Shane and David are those guys. But if you're up for a wonderful show that needs you to do some post show calming exercises with your child, and encourages saying everything starting with the sound "schm", check it out on Nick Jr./Noggin. Schmenjoy!

Being a peaceful parent

When the kids are getting crazy, it's hard not to get angry yourself! It's important to remember that you can get through it. They're not trying to make you angry, they're just being kids, doing what they know how to do to deal with life. So, since it's important to approach any discipline (not quite the right word, since this applies to infants too) from a non-angry place, here are some things you can do.

Take a break -- make sure that your child has a childproof, safe place to be, and if everything is going wrong, take your child to their room for a few minutes. (If we're home, this usually does the trick for me - I can go somewhere else in the house, get some peace and quiet, and make a plan to change our interaction when I get back.) Just say, "I need a break for a minute, so play on your own for a bit"

Change the scenery -- go somewhere else, even if it's just another room in the house. Something as small as that can break into the cycle of craziness.

Make the most of your grown-up time. Don't spend it all doing chores around the house; listen to some music, watch something on tv, have a bath. Make time to relax a little bit every day. In my family, we almost never have a babysitter, but we've made sure that bedtime is very consistent, so that my husband and I have several hours each evening to do things together (or apart). We also take turns on the weekend to get up with our son, so that we each have a morning to relax.

Basically, as a parent, you want to cultivate a sense of self awareness so that you notice when you start to get tense or angry. When you notice yourself getting angry, you can stop yourself from yelling or fighting with your child before it even happens.

Sleep - Making Sure Your Baby Gets Enough

American children are chronically under rested. Study after study has shown that children need to go to bed earlier and get more sleep. Sleep is a complicated issue, and I can (and will) write post after post regarding how to get your child to sleep, but two quick bits of advice can make a big difference.

First - advice for parents of babies. It is important to go to your baby, but make sure your baby is really waking up before you go. Don't go and pick up your child the first time they make any noise, or you could actually be interrupting their sleep. Sleep goes in cycles, and sleepers will go through periods of deep quiet sleep, then shallower, more active sleep. During the lighter sleep period, there will be moving, rustling, and vocalizations before the sleeper goes back into a deeper phase of sleep. If you are going to check on your baby, watch quietly without touching or interacting until your baby opens his eyes or actually starts to cry. This is one way to make sure your child gets all the sleep they need.

Second - advice for the parents of older children. If your child is waking up too early, try moving bedtime earlier. Sometimes, it is difficult for children to sleep soundly when they are too tired, and an earlier start helps them to be in a deeper stage of sleep when it starts to be light outside. An earlier bedtime won't neccesarily lead to a later wake up time, but it will allow for more good rest before morning. Another benefit can be an easier bedtime -- the more tired your child is at bedtime, the more likely it is to be a struggle.

When my son is cranky during the day, or is unfocused or out of control, I find that an earlier bedtime for 2-3 days can work wonders. Also, even though he doesn't usually take a nap, sometimes if he seems particularly unable to control himself one morning, a little afternoon snooze really improves his behavior in the afternoon.