If there's a behavior issue at your house, I can't recommend highly enough devoting time specifically to solving it. I call it single issue parenting, but you're not really excluding everything else, you're just taking some extra time to focus on a specific behavior.
The most common complaint among parents are about sleep issues. This is the perfect area to use single issue parenting. You know that to work on helping a child to sleep through the night, you're going to be tired. You're probably tired already! It's hard to be consistent and be up every 10 minutes or 1/2 hour. And if you're not consistent, nothing will work. But if you plan to work on it for a week, and really prepare yourself, by the end of the week, your problem can be solved.
We just worked on hitting. My son was hitting us every time we said something he didn't like. It seemed like nothing was working, because I kept having to come up with consequences in the moment, and we didn't have a plan. So, my husband and I created our plan -- he lost one toy for every hitting when we were at home, and when we were out, if he hit us we had to sit down and hold hands. We tried to notice every time he was angry and didn't hit, and gave him hugs and verbal praise. We planned our outings around whether or not we'd be able to enforce the consequences, and made sure that every time he hit us there was a consequence, so there was a clear, firm boundary. We let some other things slide -- we made sure we planned foods he liked, made extra time at bedtime for stories, and generally tried to make the only major uncomfortable thing in his life were the consequences for hitting.
After 3 days, we were able to relax (he was hitting less often), and after 6 days, we could see him think about hitting us, and then put his hand down. It's been about 3 weeks, and he's still not hitting. He'll leave, or say (and this is so cute) "That made me very angry, Mama"
Now we're back to normal bedtimes, normal outings, normal dinner, normal life -- but without the hitting.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Going Places, Doing Things
There is often nothing harder than leaving the house and doing things when your kids have to come along. But that doesn't mean that you should never do it, only that you should be thoughtful about it first.
For example: A mom with a toddler wants to meet a friend for coffee and a chat. What often happens is that the child feels left out, since there's nothing for him to do, and misbehaves horribly, making it impossible to talk and have a good time. This situation often happens when a child is brought along an an adult-level activity. So, what's to be done?
Remember, your child is a person too! How would you feel if you went out with a couple of people, who spent the time talking about stuff you weren't interested in in a language you didn't understand well? And when you tried to get them to pay attention to you, they got cross with you? Not great, I bet. Probably pretty left out, lonely, and angry.
As a caregiver, you can avoid this situation if you make a few preparations beforehand. Make sure you bring a few activities your child enjoys -- a couple of books, and a nice toy. Be sure your child has a healthy snack, and something to drink. Choose a location where there is room for your child to play. You can have them stay at the table with you, or make sure that there is a safe area nearby for them to be.
While you're talking with your friend, check in every few minutes with your child. If they are old enough to talk, spend some time during the outing talking to them about things that they are interested in, so they feel included. If they're too young for talking, check in with them and focus your attention on them and playing with them regularly. Try to make sure you shift your attention to your child while they are behaving well; if you only pay attention to them when they're shouting or bothering others, chances are, they will do it more the next time!
If your child is in the habit of acting out when adults are doing adult things (like when you're talking on the phone, or going out for coffee or have some sort of meeting to go to), you will have to be persistent. At first, make sure you go out with very understanding friends, since you will be spending a lot of time focused on your child. And go out to very understanding places (like maybe a friend's house), since you may have to wait out some bad behavior in order to catch them at a good moment to start talking with them. And start with short outings and work up to longer ones. Soon, you'll be able to go to the local cafe, have a talk with your girlfriend, and a nice time with your child all at the same time.
Pretty cool.
For example: A mom with a toddler wants to meet a friend for coffee and a chat. What often happens is that the child feels left out, since there's nothing for him to do, and misbehaves horribly, making it impossible to talk and have a good time. This situation often happens when a child is brought along an an adult-level activity. So, what's to be done?
Remember, your child is a person too! How would you feel if you went out with a couple of people, who spent the time talking about stuff you weren't interested in in a language you didn't understand well? And when you tried to get them to pay attention to you, they got cross with you? Not great, I bet. Probably pretty left out, lonely, and angry.
As a caregiver, you can avoid this situation if you make a few preparations beforehand. Make sure you bring a few activities your child enjoys -- a couple of books, and a nice toy. Be sure your child has a healthy snack, and something to drink. Choose a location where there is room for your child to play. You can have them stay at the table with you, or make sure that there is a safe area nearby for them to be.
While you're talking with your friend, check in every few minutes with your child. If they are old enough to talk, spend some time during the outing talking to them about things that they are interested in, so they feel included. If they're too young for talking, check in with them and focus your attention on them and playing with them regularly. Try to make sure you shift your attention to your child while they are behaving well; if you only pay attention to them when they're shouting or bothering others, chances are, they will do it more the next time!
If your child is in the habit of acting out when adults are doing adult things (like when you're talking on the phone, or going out for coffee or have some sort of meeting to go to), you will have to be persistent. At first, make sure you go out with very understanding friends, since you will be spending a lot of time focused on your child. And go out to very understanding places (like maybe a friend's house), since you may have to wait out some bad behavior in order to catch them at a good moment to start talking with them. And start with short outings and work up to longer ones. Soon, you'll be able to go to the local cafe, have a talk with your girlfriend, and a nice time with your child all at the same time.
Pretty cool.
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