Say, you want your 3 year old child to sit quietly at the table during dinner. Your child sits down and starts the evening sitting quietly and eating. You give him a hug and a kiss and praise him for the good behavior. (positive reinforcement - adding reward). Your child starts to wiggle and play with his food. You buckle him into his high chair (positive reinforcement - adding negative consequence). He begins to cry and fuss, so you turn your attention away from him. (negative reinforcement - removing reward) He calms down, and you unbuckle the high chair (negative reinforcement - removing negative consequence). All four types of reinforcements were used here to make the child more likely to sit nicely at the table.
If your child starts to wiggle and fuss, and you let him go play in his playroom, you've increased the likelihood of his fussing, because you rewarded the fussing by ending the negative (in his mind) of having to sit at the table. If you give him extra attention after he starts to misbehave, to bribe him into staying at the table, you have rewarded the crying. So what's a parent to do?
Set yourself up for success by plannining short dinners at first, with food your child likes. Be hugely lavish with praise and attention when she is behaving well. If your child starts to fuss and cry, turn your attention away, and as soon as she stops, talk and play with her again. And whatever you do, don't let her leave the table while she's fussing and crying -- wait for a moment, however short, that she's sitting calmly. Try this for 10-14 days, every meal, and your child will be able to sit nicely through a 15-30 minute meal.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Grow Your Parenting Vocabulary: Reinforcement
There are four types of reinforcement that you can use when changing a behavior. Two types of positive reinforcement, and two types of negative reinforcement. And now the confusing part....the positive can be negative and the negative can be positive. Positive reinforcement means adding something to your child's environment -- you give something or do something to your child. The two types of positive reinforcement are 1. adding a reward (like a hug, praise, or treat), or 2. adding a consequence (like extra homework, or extra clean up time). Negative reinforcement means taking something away from your child's environment. The two types of negative reinforcement are 1. taking away something positive (taking away toys, removing your attention, or leaving the park) and 2. taking away something negative (bringing your child out of time out, or leaving a place your child doesn't like).
So far so good?
All you need to remember are these two things. When you like something your child is doing, you can either give something nice, or take away something not nice. When you don't like what your child is doing, you can either give something not nice, or take away something nice.
So far so good?
All you need to remember are these two things. When you like something your child is doing, you can either give something nice, or take away something not nice. When you don't like what your child is doing, you can either give something not nice, or take away something nice.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Milestone Madness
When children are reaching a major mental or physical milestone, their ability to control their behavior often decreases substantially. I always tell myself that's the light at the end of the tunnel - when they hit that milestone, their behavior will dramatically improve.
Keep this in mind if your child suddenly starts to say no to everything, acts out, whine, or cry at night. Do a quick review of what you've been doing - am I consistent? am I making enough time just for my child? has anything else major changed? If your answers are yes, yes, and no....just take heart, keep doing what you're doing, and the next thing you know, your child will be pulling up, talking, or singing the alphabet song. These "milestone madness" periods usually last a week to ten days.
Keep this in mind if your child suddenly starts to say no to everything, acts out, whine, or cry at night. Do a quick review of what you've been doing - am I consistent? am I making enough time just for my child? has anything else major changed? If your answers are yes, yes, and no....just take heart, keep doing what you're doing, and the next thing you know, your child will be pulling up, talking, or singing the alphabet song. These "milestone madness" periods usually last a week to ten days.
Conscious Parenting
One of the keys to successful parenting is conscious parenting. Conscious parenting is creating a parenting plan, noticing your own behavior, noticing your child's behavior, and noticing your environment.
A parenting plan is a list of positive attributes that you would like to see in your family. Think about how you would like your children to behave and feel, and how you would like to respond and feel. Create a basic routine for your days, so you know basically what you would like to happen and when.
Noticing your own behaviors is key because your children respond to you. Notice if you are feeling stressed, happy, angry, or sad. Go over what you've been doing lately with your children. Have you yelled at them? Have you hugged them? Have you been busy?
Take time to really notice what your children are doing. Is your child starting to whine? If yes, what is going on at school or daycare? Are they growing, or reaching a new developmental milestone? When children are reaching a major mental or physical milestone, their ability to control their behavior often decreases substantially.
A conscious parent doesn't just react in the moment, but prepares some ideas in advance. Just take a few minutes when you have them to plan the answers to questions like these: "The next time my baby cries and I don't know why, what will I do?" "The next time my toddler gets really angry and hits me, what will I do?" "What are 3 things that my child really enjoys that I could use as a reward?" "What are 3 things that taking away or not letting my child do would make effective consequences?" "What will I do the next time my baby cries in the middle of the night?"
Having a repetoire of answers for these questions takes a lot of the pressure off in the moment, and reduces stress.
A parenting plan is a list of positive attributes that you would like to see in your family. Think about how you would like your children to behave and feel, and how you would like to respond and feel. Create a basic routine for your days, so you know basically what you would like to happen and when.
Noticing your own behaviors is key because your children respond to you. Notice if you are feeling stressed, happy, angry, or sad. Go over what you've been doing lately with your children. Have you yelled at them? Have you hugged them? Have you been busy?
Take time to really notice what your children are doing. Is your child starting to whine? If yes, what is going on at school or daycare? Are they growing, or reaching a new developmental milestone? When children are reaching a major mental or physical milestone, their ability to control their behavior often decreases substantially.
A conscious parent doesn't just react in the moment, but prepares some ideas in advance. Just take a few minutes when you have them to plan the answers to questions like these: "The next time my baby cries and I don't know why, what will I do?" "The next time my toddler gets really angry and hits me, what will I do?" "What are 3 things that my child really enjoys that I could use as a reward?" "What are 3 things that taking away or not letting my child do would make effective consequences?" "What will I do the next time my baby cries in the middle of the night?"
Having a repetoire of answers for these questions takes a lot of the pressure off in the moment, and reduces stress.
Hot Topic: Can you spoil your newborn?
Short answer: No, so don't worry.
Longer answer: It is critical to respond to your newborn's needs, since babies can't do anything for themselves. Quickly responding to your baby's signals builds a sense of security and love. Your baby learns that if there is anything that he needs, you will be there to give it to him. When a young baby cries or roots or yawns, he is expressing a genuine need -- early on, there is no distinguishing between wants and needs.
There are things you can do that affect how your baby expresses those needs. This is where conditioning comes in. By rewarding your baby when she does things that you like, she will do those things most often.
If you want to increase your baby's ability to communicate without crying, don't wait for your baby to cry before attending him. Try your best to anticipate basic needs, like changing, and watch to see what your baby does to show you that need before she cries. If she waves her arms around like mad when she needs a fresh diaper, and you consistently change her then, she will connect arm-waving to getting a clean diaper. This will help her learn to use that signal to communicate with you rather than crying. This is not to say that your baby will never cry, but he should cry less often if other, less exhausting signals work.
As baby grows older, his needs will grow more complex, and he will start to develop wants as well. You should always try to meet your child's needs - that creates a strong bond of security. It is how you respond to "wants" that will tell whether your baby will be "spoiled".
Longer answer: It is critical to respond to your newborn's needs, since babies can't do anything for themselves. Quickly responding to your baby's signals builds a sense of security and love. Your baby learns that if there is anything that he needs, you will be there to give it to him. When a young baby cries or roots or yawns, he is expressing a genuine need -- early on, there is no distinguishing between wants and needs.
There are things you can do that affect how your baby expresses those needs. This is where conditioning comes in. By rewarding your baby when she does things that you like, she will do those things most often.
If you want to increase your baby's ability to communicate without crying, don't wait for your baby to cry before attending him. Try your best to anticipate basic needs, like changing, and watch to see what your baby does to show you that need before she cries. If she waves her arms around like mad when she needs a fresh diaper, and you consistently change her then, she will connect arm-waving to getting a clean diaper. This will help her learn to use that signal to communicate with you rather than crying. This is not to say that your baby will never cry, but he should cry less often if other, less exhausting signals work.
As baby grows older, his needs will grow more complex, and he will start to develop wants as well. You should always try to meet your child's needs - that creates a strong bond of security. It is how you respond to "wants" that will tell whether your baby will be "spoiled".
Grow Your Parenting Vocabulary: Conditioning
Conditioning your child means shaping their behavior. You condition your child's behavior any time you respond to something they do. Sometimes experts talk about changing your child's behavior, but when scientists who study behavior talk, they talk about conditioning behavior. When your baby cries, and you pick him up, that conditions him to connect crying and being picked up. When your toddler hugs you, and you smile at her, she connects hugging and happiness. When your preschooler throws a temper tantrum, and you give him what he wants, he connects yelling and screaming with making mom or dad do what he wants.
Everything you do when you're around your child affects their behavior. Now that can sound scary, but really, it should put you at ease. It means that very small changes you make in the way you respond to your child can make a big difference in how they act. It also means that you can shape the behavior of even the tiniest baby!
Everything you do when you're around your child affects their behavior. Now that can sound scary, but really, it should put you at ease. It means that very small changes you make in the way you respond to your child can make a big difference in how they act. It also means that you can shape the behavior of even the tiniest baby!
Welcome to the Toddler Taming Blog!
It's finally happened. I've started a blog! Watch out world...
Seriously, though, I'd like to share a few things about myself, the reasons I started this blog, and what I hope you'll find here.
I've been working with children ever since I was old enough to babysit. I took Education as a minor in college, and then pursued a Montessori teacher certification. I have worked at preschools, daycare centers, as a nanny, and most recently a mom and a parenting coach. In all of these roles, it has been my goal to help parents create peaceful families with ther young child. I'm passionate about helping families to create a dynamic that leads to happy, well behaved, loving children, and happy, kind, nurturing parents.
I believe that from the time you bring your baby home from the hospital, there are things you can do to set the tone of your household. Every interaction with your baby creates changes in their behavior, some big, some too small to see. This time period from birth to age five is critical in creating the family style that you want for the rest of your life. Your child is writing the first draft of their "Instructions for Life" during these years.
But, learn how children learn, and what their subconscious goals are (I hate to say subconscious, because that brings to mind all kinds of complicated freudian stuff -- what I mean here is that your child always has a reason for what they do. They might not know and be able to explain to you why they do what they do, but there is a reason, and you can figure it out.), and you can re-write their instruction book and create peace in your family.
In future posts, I plan to discuss: what a peaceful family looks like, first steps to taming your toddler, why what children want what they want (and why meeting their needs isn't always good for them), some different ways to get your child to sleep (one will work for your family!), how to prevent the "terrible twos" - or at least make them not-so terrible, and more. I'm also more than happy to answer specific parenting questions readers want to send in.
Seriously, though, I'd like to share a few things about myself, the reasons I started this blog, and what I hope you'll find here.
I've been working with children ever since I was old enough to babysit. I took Education as a minor in college, and then pursued a Montessori teacher certification. I have worked at preschools, daycare centers, as a nanny, and most recently a mom and a parenting coach. In all of these roles, it has been my goal to help parents create peaceful families with ther young child. I'm passionate about helping families to create a dynamic that leads to happy, well behaved, loving children, and happy, kind, nurturing parents.
I believe that from the time you bring your baby home from the hospital, there are things you can do to set the tone of your household. Every interaction with your baby creates changes in their behavior, some big, some too small to see. This time period from birth to age five is critical in creating the family style that you want for the rest of your life. Your child is writing the first draft of their "Instructions for Life" during these years.
But, learn how children learn, and what their subconscious goals are (I hate to say subconscious, because that brings to mind all kinds of complicated freudian stuff -- what I mean here is that your child always has a reason for what they do. They might not know and be able to explain to you why they do what they do, but there is a reason, and you can figure it out.), and you can re-write their instruction book and create peace in your family.
In future posts, I plan to discuss: what a peaceful family looks like, first steps to taming your toddler, why what children want what they want (and why meeting their needs isn't always good for them), some different ways to get your child to sleep (one will work for your family!), how to prevent the "terrible twos" - or at least make them not-so terrible, and more. I'm also more than happy to answer specific parenting questions readers want to send in.
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