Things to remember!

When you're a parent, it's important to remember that you're the one in charge. Your child is a person deserving of respect, but you are the teacher and leader in the family. Children often know what they think they want, but not what they really want. More about that later, but if you notice yourself saying "he won't let me do that" or "he makes me do this", it's time to think about whether you are being the leader and teacher or whether you are being bossed around by your child.

Single Issue Parenting

If there's a behavior issue at your house, I can't recommend highly enough devoting time specifically to solving it. I call it single issue parenting, but you're not really excluding everything else, you're just taking some extra time to focus on a specific behavior.

The most common complaint among parents are about sleep issues. This is the perfect area to use single issue parenting. You know that to work on helping a child to sleep through the night, you're going to be tired. You're probably tired already! It's hard to be consistent and be up every 10 minutes or 1/2 hour. And if you're not consistent, nothing will work. But if you plan to work on it for a week, and really prepare yourself, by the end of the week, your problem can be solved.

We just worked on hitting. My son was hitting us every time we said something he didn't like. It seemed like nothing was working, because I kept having to come up with consequences in the moment, and we didn't have a plan. So, my husband and I created our plan -- he lost one toy for every hitting when we were at home, and when we were out, if he hit us we had to sit down and hold hands. We tried to notice every time he was angry and didn't hit, and gave him hugs and verbal praise. We planned our outings around whether or not we'd be able to enforce the consequences, and made sure that every time he hit us there was a consequence, so there was a clear, firm boundary. We let some other things slide -- we made sure we planned foods he liked, made extra time at bedtime for stories, and generally tried to make the only major uncomfortable thing in his life were the consequences for hitting.

After 3 days, we were able to relax (he was hitting less often), and after 6 days, we could see him think about hitting us, and then put his hand down. It's been about 3 weeks, and he's still not hitting. He'll leave, or say (and this is so cute) "That made me very angry, Mama"

Now we're back to normal bedtimes, normal outings, normal dinner, normal life -- but without the hitting.

Going Places, Doing Things

There is often nothing harder than leaving the house and doing things when your kids have to come along. But that doesn't mean that you should never do it, only that you should be thoughtful about it first.

For example: A mom with a toddler wants to meet a friend for coffee and a chat. What often happens is that the child feels left out, since there's nothing for him to do, and misbehaves horribly, making it impossible to talk and have a good time. This situation often happens when a child is brought along an an adult-level activity. So, what's to be done?

Remember, your child is a person too! How would you feel if you went out with a couple of people, who spent the time talking about stuff you weren't interested in in a language you didn't understand well? And when you tried to get them to pay attention to you, they got cross with you? Not great, I bet. Probably pretty left out, lonely, and angry.

As a caregiver, you can avoid this situation if you make a few preparations beforehand. Make sure you bring a few activities your child enjoys -- a couple of books, and a nice toy. Be sure your child has a healthy snack, and something to drink. Choose a location where there is room for your child to play. You can have them stay at the table with you, or make sure that there is a safe area nearby for them to be.

While you're talking with your friend, check in every few minutes with your child. If they are old enough to talk, spend some time during the outing talking to them about things that they are interested in, so they feel included. If they're too young for talking, check in with them and focus your attention on them and playing with them regularly. Try to make sure you shift your attention to your child while they are behaving well; if you only pay attention to them when they're shouting or bothering others, chances are, they will do it more the next time!

If your child is in the habit of acting out when adults are doing adult things (like when you're talking on the phone, or going out for coffee or have some sort of meeting to go to), you will have to be persistent. At first, make sure you go out with very understanding friends, since you will be spending a lot of time focused on your child. And go out to very understanding places (like maybe a friend's house), since you may have to wait out some bad behavior in order to catch them at a good moment to start talking with them. And start with short outings and work up to longer ones. Soon, you'll be able to go to the local cafe, have a talk with your girlfriend, and a nice time with your child all at the same time.

Pretty cool.

Blankies!

Most kids have some kind of comfort object that they become attached to -- a blanket, a pacifier, a stuffed animal.

Comfort objects are really great for learning to deal with stress, learning to sleep on one's own and deal with new situations. But I cannot recommend highly enough having at least two of whatever it is, in case it's lost. Our object is a blankie, and I sent it with our son on a sleepover with his grandparents, and it got left at a hotel. But luckily, we've been switching it out when we wash it, so we have a backup blankie, so I was able to "find" it. The same goes for the special toy as well.

I cannot tell you the number of stories I've heard about sleepless nights and frantic phone calls looking for a pacifier, toy, or whatever. It's an immense help to have a backup!

Now, kids can get overly attached to an object and feel like they can't face life without it -- so it's important to have boundaries for the object (blankie stays in bed or car, no stuffed toy goes to school, etc...) and make sure your kids have other ways to deal with stress (cuddling is great)

The Upside Down Show

I'm having a love-hate relationship with this show. It's a great show; it's funny, energetic, imaginative, and educational. But...my son loves it a little too much... You know how there are characters on TV that you enjoy, but you wouldn't want to be around? Shane and David are those guys. But if you're up for a wonderful show that needs you to do some post show calming exercises with your child, and encourages saying everything starting with the sound "schm", check it out on Nick Jr./Noggin. Schmenjoy!

Being a peaceful parent

When the kids are getting crazy, it's hard not to get angry yourself! It's important to remember that you can get through it. They're not trying to make you angry, they're just being kids, doing what they know how to do to deal with life. So, since it's important to approach any discipline (not quite the right word, since this applies to infants too) from a non-angry place, here are some things you can do.

Take a break -- make sure that your child has a childproof, safe place to be, and if everything is going wrong, take your child to their room for a few minutes. (If we're home, this usually does the trick for me - I can go somewhere else in the house, get some peace and quiet, and make a plan to change our interaction when I get back.) Just say, "I need a break for a minute, so play on your own for a bit"

Change the scenery -- go somewhere else, even if it's just another room in the house. Something as small as that can break into the cycle of craziness.

Make the most of your grown-up time. Don't spend it all doing chores around the house; listen to some music, watch something on tv, have a bath. Make time to relax a little bit every day. In my family, we almost never have a babysitter, but we've made sure that bedtime is very consistent, so that my husband and I have several hours each evening to do things together (or apart). We also take turns on the weekend to get up with our son, so that we each have a morning to relax.

Basically, as a parent, you want to cultivate a sense of self awareness so that you notice when you start to get tense or angry. When you notice yourself getting angry, you can stop yourself from yelling or fighting with your child before it even happens.

Sleep - Making Sure Your Baby Gets Enough

American children are chronically under rested. Study after study has shown that children need to go to bed earlier and get more sleep. Sleep is a complicated issue, and I can (and will) write post after post regarding how to get your child to sleep, but two quick bits of advice can make a big difference.

First - advice for parents of babies. It is important to go to your baby, but make sure your baby is really waking up before you go. Don't go and pick up your child the first time they make any noise, or you could actually be interrupting their sleep. Sleep goes in cycles, and sleepers will go through periods of deep quiet sleep, then shallower, more active sleep. During the lighter sleep period, there will be moving, rustling, and vocalizations before the sleeper goes back into a deeper phase of sleep. If you are going to check on your baby, watch quietly without touching or interacting until your baby opens his eyes or actually starts to cry. This is one way to make sure your child gets all the sleep they need.

Second - advice for the parents of older children. If your child is waking up too early, try moving bedtime earlier. Sometimes, it is difficult for children to sleep soundly when they are too tired, and an earlier start helps them to be in a deeper stage of sleep when it starts to be light outside. An earlier bedtime won't neccesarily lead to a later wake up time, but it will allow for more good rest before morning. Another benefit can be an easier bedtime -- the more tired your child is at bedtime, the more likely it is to be a struggle.

When my son is cranky during the day, or is unfocused or out of control, I find that an earlier bedtime for 2-3 days can work wonders. Also, even though he doesn't usually take a nap, sometimes if he seems particularly unable to control himself one morning, a little afternoon snooze really improves his behavior in the afternoon.

Staying at the Table: Using Reinforcement in Everyday Life

Say, you want your 3 year old child to sit quietly at the table during dinner. Your child sits down and starts the evening sitting quietly and eating. You give him a hug and a kiss and praise him for the good behavior. (positive reinforcement - adding reward). Your child starts to wiggle and play with his food. You buckle him into his high chair (positive reinforcement - adding negative consequence). He begins to cry and fuss, so you turn your attention away from him. (negative reinforcement - removing reward) He calms down, and you unbuckle the high chair (negative reinforcement - removing negative consequence). All four types of reinforcements were used here to make the child more likely to sit nicely at the table.

If your child starts to wiggle and fuss, and you let him go play in his playroom, you've increased the likelihood of his fussing, because you rewarded the fussing by ending the negative (in his mind) of having to sit at the table. If you give him extra attention after he starts to misbehave, to bribe him into staying at the table, you have rewarded the crying. So what's a parent to do?

Set yourself up for success by plannining short dinners at first, with food your child likes. Be hugely lavish with praise and attention when she is behaving well. If your child starts to fuss and cry, turn your attention away, and as soon as she stops, talk and play with her again. And whatever you do, don't let her leave the table while she's fussing and crying -- wait for a moment, however short, that she's sitting calmly. Try this for 10-14 days, every meal, and your child will be able to sit nicely through a 15-30 minute meal.

Grow Your Parenting Vocabulary: Reinforcement

There are four types of reinforcement that you can use when changing a behavior. Two types of positive reinforcement, and two types of negative reinforcement. And now the confusing part....the positive can be negative and the negative can be positive. Positive reinforcement means adding something to your child's environment -- you give something or do something to your child. The two types of positive reinforcement are 1. adding a reward (like a hug, praise, or treat), or 2. adding a consequence (like extra homework, or extra clean up time). Negative reinforcement means taking something away from your child's environment. The two types of negative reinforcement are 1. taking away something positive (taking away toys, removing your attention, or leaving the park) and 2. taking away something negative (bringing your child out of time out, or leaving a place your child doesn't like).

So far so good?

All you need to remember are these two things. When you like something your child is doing, you can either give something nice, or take away something not nice. When you don't like what your child is doing, you can either give something not nice, or take away something nice.

Milestone Madness

When children are reaching a major mental or physical milestone, their ability to control their behavior often decreases substantially. I always tell myself that's the light at the end of the tunnel - when they hit that milestone, their behavior will dramatically improve.

Keep this in mind if your child suddenly starts to say no to everything, acts out, whine, or cry at night. Do a quick review of what you've been doing - am I consistent? am I making enough time just for my child? has anything else major changed? If your answers are yes, yes, and no....just take heart, keep doing what you're doing, and the next thing you know, your child will be pulling up, talking, or singing the alphabet song. These "milestone madness" periods usually last a week to ten days.

Conscious Parenting

One of the keys to successful parenting is conscious parenting. Conscious parenting is creating a parenting plan, noticing your own behavior, noticing your child's behavior, and noticing your environment.

A parenting plan is a list of positive attributes that you would like to see in your family. Think about how you would like your children to behave and feel, and how you would like to respond and feel. Create a basic routine for your days, so you know basically what you would like to happen and when.

Noticing your own behaviors is key because your children respond to you. Notice if you are feeling stressed, happy, angry, or sad. Go over what you've been doing lately with your children. Have you yelled at them? Have you hugged them? Have you been busy?

Take time to really notice what your children are doing. Is your child starting to whine? If yes, what is going on at school or daycare? Are they growing, or reaching a new developmental milestone? When children are reaching a major mental or physical milestone, their ability to control their behavior often decreases substantially.

A conscious parent doesn't just react in the moment, but prepares some ideas in advance. Just take a few minutes when you have them to plan the answers to questions like these: "The next time my baby cries and I don't know why, what will I do?" "The next time my toddler gets really angry and hits me, what will I do?" "What are 3 things that my child really enjoys that I could use as a reward?" "What are 3 things that taking away or not letting my child do would make effective consequences?" "What will I do the next time my baby cries in the middle of the night?"

Having a repetoire of answers for these questions takes a lot of the pressure off in the moment, and reduces stress.

Hot Topic: Can you spoil your newborn?

Short answer: No, so don't worry.

Longer answer: It is critical to respond to your newborn's needs, since babies can't do anything for themselves. Quickly responding to your baby's signals builds a sense of security and love. Your baby learns that if there is anything that he needs, you will be there to give it to him. When a young baby cries or roots or yawns, he is expressing a genuine need -- early on, there is no distinguishing between wants and needs.

There are things you can do that affect how your baby expresses those needs. This is where conditioning comes in. By rewarding your baby when she does things that you like, she will do those things most often.

If you want to increase your baby's ability to communicate without crying, don't wait for your baby to cry before attending him. Try your best to anticipate basic needs, like changing, and watch to see what your baby does to show you that need before she cries. If she waves her arms around like mad when she needs a fresh diaper, and you consistently change her then, she will connect arm-waving to getting a clean diaper. This will help her learn to use that signal to communicate with you rather than crying. This is not to say that your baby will never cry, but he should cry less often if other, less exhausting signals work.

As baby grows older, his needs will grow more complex, and he will start to develop wants as well. You should always try to meet your child's needs - that creates a strong bond of security. It is how you respond to "wants" that will tell whether your baby will be "spoiled".

Grow Your Parenting Vocabulary: Conditioning

Conditioning your child means shaping their behavior. You condition your child's behavior any time you respond to something they do. Sometimes experts talk about changing your child's behavior, but when scientists who study behavior talk, they talk about conditioning behavior. When your baby cries, and you pick him up, that conditions him to connect crying and being picked up. When your toddler hugs you, and you smile at her, she connects hugging and happiness. When your preschooler throws a temper tantrum, and you give him what he wants, he connects yelling and screaming with making mom or dad do what he wants.

Everything you do when you're around your child affects their behavior. Now that can sound scary, but really, it should put you at ease. It means that very small changes you make in the way you respond to your child can make a big difference in how they act. It also means that you can shape the behavior of even the tiniest baby!

Welcome to the Toddler Taming Blog!

It's finally happened. I've started a blog! Watch out world...

Seriously, though, I'd like to share a few things about myself, the reasons I started this blog, and what I hope you'll find here.

I've been working with children ever since I was old enough to babysit. I took Education as a minor in college, and then pursued a Montessori teacher certification. I have worked at preschools, daycare centers, as a nanny, and most recently a mom and a parenting coach. In all of these roles, it has been my goal to help parents create peaceful families with ther young child. I'm passionate about helping families to create a dynamic that leads to happy, well behaved, loving children, and happy, kind, nurturing parents.

I believe that from the time you bring your baby home from the hospital, there are things you can do to set the tone of your household. Every interaction with your baby creates changes in their behavior, some big, some too small to see. This time period from birth to age five is critical in creating the family style that you want for the rest of your life. Your child is writing the first draft of their "Instructions for Life" during these years.

But, learn how children learn, and what their subconscious goals are (I hate to say subconscious, because that brings to mind all kinds of complicated freudian stuff -- what I mean here is that your child always has a reason for what they do. They might not know and be able to explain to you why they do what they do, but there is a reason, and you can figure it out.), and you can re-write their instruction book and create peace in your family.

In future posts, I plan to discuss: what a peaceful family looks like, first steps to taming your toddler, why what children want what they want (and why meeting their needs isn't always good for them), some different ways to get your child to sleep (one will work for your family!), how to prevent the "terrible twos" - or at least make them not-so terrible, and more. I'm also more than happy to answer specific parenting questions readers want to send in.